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cultivating an active practice of self-care and joy

Running my way through a season of change

November 16, 2018

“Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.”
— Henry Ford

The last few months have been full of change for me—and historically I have not been the greatest with change. My best friend Christina moved away in July and I quit my job the same week. I didn’t plan for things to go quite like that, but I knew in my heart that it was time to quit and the universe gave me an opening. I had another few weeks of work after giving notice, but I was faced with the immediate question of what to do next.

For years I told myself (and everyone I know) that I wanted to get back to graphic design, but I never actually made the move. It was what I’d been planning to do since I was 14—and what I went to school for, but after college I fell into working in reproductive rights and then stayed because I knew it was important work. But after years of just sort of floating along, I realized if I didn’t make a change, I would keep floating away from my dreams.

The thing is making a change is hard.

Once I had told my boss I was quitting there was no turning back; I had set the wheels of change in motion and couldn’t put them in reverse. Luckily I had some vacation to use before my last day, which gave me a few weeks to collect myself without the stress of work or the stress of having just received my last paycheck. During that time I found myself looking for some kind of structure to hold onto and thus, pushed myself to work out even more than I had previously. I worked out every day like it was my job because I no longer had a job. But, at the same time, I was trying to find creative ways to save money on fitness—knowing that my future income was uncertain.

So, naturally, knowing that I’m generally resistant to change, I decided to throw myself off the change cliff and take up running! I figured I’d still be able to lose myself in the one-two rhythm I loved from spinning without spending so much spin class cash. If I could convince myself to like running then I could do it for free outside! Plus it felt like the universe was trying to give me a nudge (or a shove) in that direction.

Around this time, my favorite boxing trainer Jess Sims announced that she was leaving Shadowbox, which removed one of the staples of my weekly routine. Then Robin announced that she would be teaching regular running and bootcamp classes at the Peloton Tread studio. When I found out that Jess would be joining the Tread team too, it felt like too much of a coincidence not to at least try. So I set aside everything I’ve ever believed about myself and went to get fitted for some new running shoes.

I’ve never been a runner, even though I was forced to run laps at team practices for years. I was always the one left behind during our warmup runs and the last to finish the wind sprints on the basketball court. Running for its own sake never seemed like something that was meant for me, but this time I decided to try again with a new determination. Maybe it was because everything already felt uncertain and hard so I had nothing to lose. Or maybe it was because I needed something to focus on other than having to figure out my entire life without Christina a few train stops away or a reliable paycheck. In any case, I decided this time would be different. I would do everything I could to give myself the best chance of success.

The Mental Game

I think my biggest impediment to running was telling myself (and everyone) that I’m not a runner. While that has been true in the past, that doesn’t mean it has to be true in the future. When I was a kid I thought I could play any sport except basketball. I have no idea why, but I had a mental block about it. Then in middle school I was forced to join the school basketball team to get my PE credits. I not only learned, but was part of the starting lineup by the end of my second season. This wasn’t an all star team by any means, but it was proof that I was no longer the worst. And I had done something I never thought I could do.

When I decided to start this running journey, I signed up for Robin’s first regular running class at the Peloton Tread studio. Luckily I had a few weeks of lead time to prepare and try running outside by myself beforehand, but still I was terrified. I was so scared that I almost didn’t even go. I thought I was going to cry during my walk from the train and wanted to turn back. I almost did cry during class. I love Robin, but the class felt horrible. I didn’t think I would make it to the end and I was sure I would trip and fly off the treadmill at any moment. And yet, I still signed up to do it again the following week. Afterward I told her and everyone on Instagram that I was setting a goal to learn to run a mile without stopping, which meant I couldn’t back down.

The Right Shoes

I had an old pair of running shoes, but decided I should set myself up for success by getting fitted for a new pair—especially since I’d be putting a lot of miles on them if this whole experiment worked out. In addition, I made an appointment with a podiatrist. One of the main issues I’ve had with running and sports is that I have very flat feet and they hurt when I try to run. I wanted to be sure that the pain was just my body adjusting to something new and not something more serious. The doctor took a quick look, did some x-rays, and immediately diagnosed me with flat feet (duh). She didn’t see anything truly amiss, so I figured I was clear to proceed—though I did order the custom sports orthotics she recommended.

Physical Therapy

My biggest fear with running is getting injured. I was trying to start out slowly, but even so, my feet and shins felt like they were on fire. During past lacrosse, soccer, or basketball seasons I’ve ended up getting shin splints, so I was extra nervous. I felt a little silly because I didn’t have a real injury, but I booked a couple sessions with a physical therapist to see if she could help.

After my initial evaluation, she looked at me and said “you have a lot of weakness in your pelvis.” This sounded ominous, but just meant that my glutes and hips were weak. I was surprised because I thought my hundreds of spin classes would have strengthened those muscles, but apparently not. She gave me some exercises to do at home and suggested that I work with a personal trainer. She was convinced that doing so would fix 75% of my problems—especially in my feet and lower legs. The more you know!

Strength Training

I didn’t end up working with a personal trainer because that went against my goal of saving money. I did, however, do a lot of googling about exercises to strengthen my hips and glutes. I tried going to the gym, but was intimidated by the free weights area. There was not another woman in sight and I felt like everyone there could tell I didn’t know what I was doing. I might not have let those fears get to me, except that I actually didn’t know what I was doing. I did a few sets of goblet squats and suitcase lunges and bolted.

At this point I have to say that the only thing I like less than running is strength training. When the PT recommended it, I started questioning my life and my choices. I spent a few weeks wondering if my “why” was strong enough to get me to do not one, but two things I’ve historically hated. I started to question if I even had a purpose in working out at all. I’d fallen into such a strong routine with my spinning and boxing that I didn’t even think about why I was doing it anymore. They had simply become habits—things I did every week without question. But running and strength training were challenging my will.

I was too scared to go back to the gym right away, so I decided to try some exercises at home. I cleared a space for a yoga mat on the floor next to my bed and started doing a combination of exercises from the PT and the internet using a resistance band.

Yoga

In the last year or so I got over my blanket disdain for yoga and have been going to a Yoga for Athletes class at Yogamaya pretty regularly. But now that I’ve started running, I feel like I have a better understanding of why we do certain poses. The teacher, Bri, is a marathoner, so she’s very focused on strengthening the muscles needed for running (ahem, my weak pelvis) and opening up the areas that tend to get tight as a result of that repetitive motion. Going to class hasn’t necessarily been a change, but I have found myself doing more of the poses on my own at home as well.

Proper Form

I’ve realized that a big misconception about running is that everyone should know how to do it off the bat. It seems logical that if you can walk, you should know how to run—you’re just moving your legs faster! But I’m learning that in order to do it successfully, there is a pretty specific form that you have to learn. I went down a rabbit hole of watching YouTube videos from The Run Experience and Sage Running to learn how to improve my form. I’m still worlds away from having perfect form, but it’s helpful to have some guidelines to aim for other than just moving my legs. I’ve found that focusing on my alignment has helped me get through some hard runs and finish strong.

Trust the Process

So far it has been a few months and I’m still super slow. When I first started I thought I would have either given up by now or I’d be much faster. The journey feels slow, but I’m trying to trust the process—both with the running and in my life. I’m doing something totally new so I have to accept that nothing happens overnight.

In the months of slogging through this journey, I’ve gotten a few short glimpses of the magic. These were times that I hit a high speed on the Tread or a felt strong during an interval in the park and thought “this is why people do this!” Of course, seconds later had to slow down to gasp for air, but it didn’t matter. The week leading up to the New York City Marathon I got swept up in the pre-marathon excitement and decided to do a group run with adidas Runners—the group that Josh runs with four times a week. I was scared—and I was last—but the energy was exciting and pushed me forward.

Watching the marathon that Sunday was inspiring and made me want to keep trying. I didn’t think it would move me as much as it did, but I felt full to the brim with gratitude for everything that has happened since throwing myself off the change cliff. I’ve been reminded of the fear of trying something totally new, but also felt what it’s like to come out the other side. I’ve met so many new people along the way and also realized how many people on the periphery of my life were willing to support me and help guide me in my new career path. All of these small moments make me hope that the struggle will be worth it. And that all of my paranoia about injury and proactively trying to steel myself against it will keep me going long enough to feel the magic for real—for more than a split second.

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  1. Secundra Beasley says

    December 5, 2018 at 10:47 am

    Follow 300 Pounds and Running on IG. He also has a podcast that is a link in his bio. He promotes Slow as Fuck Running, and back of the pack running. Great post!

    Reply
    • melissa says

      December 5, 2018 at 11:39 am

      Yesss, I do follow him! I really like him and Latoya Shauntay Snell (@iamlshauntay on IG), who I think does the podcast with him. They are so badass!

      Reply
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I’m Melissa. I’m a graphic designer, wellness advocate, and athlete who created this blog as a space to write about using fitness as a vehicle for practicing taking up space, facing my fears, overcoming perfectionism, and recognizing my accomplishments.

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  • 👏🏾 You don’t have to wait for Black History Month to support black folks 👏🏾 I have been having the time of my life taking the black history runs and rides @onepeloton this month (this pic was after yesterday’s Diana Ross ride)! But I also make it a priority to support black folks through my fitness journey year round. It’s not something I usually broadcast, but when I’m deciding which classes to take and what new studios to try, I’m super serious about supporting POC—especially black women. If I look at a studio and see all white faces on the instructor page, it’s a no from me. I don’t play when it comes to where I spend my money and my time ⚡️ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 〰 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Check out my stories for some of my favorite black fitness accounts! 💪🏾 Some I train with regularly, some I don’t even know IRL, but they all keep me motivated and sometimes literally get me out of bed when I’m putting off doing a workout.
  • Me pretending I wasn’t getting whipped in the face by ice pellets ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
📸: @shayparesh
  • After I met a friend to shoot on the Williamsburg Bridge a few weeks ago I decided I needed to go back and run it for real. I felt a little like I was faking the funk with the photos, but also meeting that day at the base of the bridge made me want to give it a try! So I did. And this is what I learned: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
1️⃣ I need to run more hills because I was SPENT after one minute of that incline coming back from Brooklyn. But I also realized it takes more concentration than I expected to keep my stride controlled going downhill. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
2️⃣ Just because the first mile is a little rough doesn’t mean I can’t finish strong! After I got warmed up things started to flow and I was able to maintain a more consistent pace. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
3️⃣ Gloves just aren’t my thing—even on a windy bridge in the middle of winter 😫 Having hot hands makes me anxious. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
4️⃣ Car exhaust coming from all directions is not the business! ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
5️⃣ It takes longer to take the train to the bridge from my house than to run across and back 😂
  • “Black girl magic, y'all can't stand it, y'all can't ban it, made out like a bandit. They been trying hard just to make us all vanish—I suggest they put a flag on a whole 'nother planet.” 🎵 #GetItBlackGurl
  • Hi, I’m Melissa 👋🏾 Since a lot a new friends have joined me here recently I thought it might be time to do that thing where I tell you guys a little about me: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
1️⃣ I grew up in Missouri, but I’m a born New Yorker—I was born in Albany 🗽 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
2️⃣ I usually say started my fitness journey when I joined ClassPass, but I’ve actually been on this path my whole life. As a kid I played pretty much every sport (except softball, don’t @ me) and I would practice for hours in my yard thinking I would become a legend at each one 😂 My favorites were soccer (8 years) and lacrosse (4 years). ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
3️⃣ Books are pretty much my favorite thing 📚 I love holding them, looking at them, reading them, and OWNING them. I get as much joy from the physical form and the design as I do from the content so I love buying them and seeing them on my shelf—even though I know libraries are cheaper 😛 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
4️⃣ My love of books (and magazines) inspired me to go into graphic design ✨ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
5️⃣ I always used to say “LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS!!” But when started working out all the time I slowly fell into wearing them outside the gym so I wouldn’t have to carry as many changes of clothes. So here we are… I can’t decide if I’m ashamed or not. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
6️⃣ I got my passport in 2018 and ended up going to Iceland TWICE ❄️ Maybe one day I will finally share a gallery of all the photos from those trips. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
7️⃣ I LOVE winter and I’m not sorry about it! I love the snow and the cold 😍 New York has been letting me down with the lack of snow for the last few years, so maybe time to go back to Iceland 😂 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
*** ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
If we haven’t met yet, I want to know a little about you! Tell me in the comments or shoot me a DM.
  • Lowkey contemplating whether or not I will ever run again 😂 Between taking a two week hiatus and this insanely cold weather it feels like it could go either way 🤷🏾‍♀️ But I’m heading to a Tread bootcamp with @jsimsfit today feeling like whatever happens is gonna happen. Maybe I will feel super strong, maybe I will have to walk more than I want to. My main goal is not to put too much pressure on myself. All that matters today is showing up.
  • Black wellness is political ✊🏾 I have been thinking a lot lately about what wellness and self care truly mean. In the last few years they have come into the mainstream in the form of bath bombs and expensive beauty regimens, but the real reason I started on this journey was to reclaim my space and my mental health—especially in moments when I open Twitter or Instagram to see heartbreaking news. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
This week actor and singer Jussie Smollett was violently attacked in the name of white supremacy. He was attacked for being black and for being gay. He was attacked for his very existence in a way that feels intimately personal to me as a black, gay woman and yet also far away—like something that could only happen to someone I don’t know. But the truth is, I started my wellness journey because of this part that hit unsettlingly close to home. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The last few years have forced me to face my mortality in a way I never expected. That the person in the White House has awakened and endorsed a type of hate that has long been bubbling under the surface gave me a new sense of fear. A fear that someone like me could be attacked for simply existing and get away without consequences. A fear that one day it won’t just be something I see on the news, but something that happens to me or someone I love. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I came to wellness and self care because without those things I would only be left with the fear. After news like the hate crime against Jussie I would only be left with the invalidation of my humanity and the subsequent sadness. Instead my wellness journey has been a way to hold space for ME. To build myself back up on my terms and honor my humanity when the world is trying to break me. To remind myself that I am important enough to be cared for—if only by myself. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
How are you taking care of yourself this week?
  • About last night... ✨ Today I spent my birthday in bed fighting off a cold, but last night I celebrated in sweat with @robinnyc for the third year in a row 🔥I had so many amazing friends riding with me in the studio and at home, supporting me and cheering me on. I never imagined my solo fitness journey would connect me with such a fantastic and supportive community. Thank you for all the love, support, and birthday wishes! Truly no way I’d rather celebrate.

About Me

I’m Melissa—a graphic designer and comms lady who created this blog as a space to write about using fitness as a vehicle for practicing taking up space, facing my fears, overcoming perfectionism, and recognizing my accomplishments.

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